An ace up zee sleeve
by temarcia
Summary: Captain has plans for his minions. Unfortunately, some of them fail to see the awesomeness of Captain's schemes. But their commander offers them a crazy deal. Will Snippy and Engie avoid their assignments this time? -COLLAB-
1. A new game

This is the collab between _Worstcase_ and me. We wanted to try writing Captain's voice, because we both found it really challenging. This chapter was planned and written by both of us, and beta-read by e_ight-Of-heart_s - for what we are very grateful. The image for this story was drawn by _Worstcase._

Enjoy!_  
_

* * *

It was such a lovely morning.

The very first rays of the rising sun pierced through the clouds of radioactive dust, painting the sky purple and pink. Captain loved these colors. All the citizens of the magnificent Captania seemed to love them too... well, except for the lazy ones, who were still asleep.

Missing the view of the capital waking up after the nuclear night was an unacceptable waste. Every little being that lived in the Dead City wanted to rise and shine for Zee Captain. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming, zombies were going for their daily walks. All creatures great and small tried to please him by performing their duties at this early hour.

Only his three minions were sleeping, instead of being useful.

And Captain really didn't like useless things.

He decided to take care of this problem immediately. But the question was, which minion should be given the honour of being woken up by their beloved leader first?

Engie? He was the new recruit in this glorious army. The guy could build deadly weapons and many other devices from nothing but scrap metal and rubber bands. Unfortunately he wasn't very talkative, and Captain found him a bit boring because of that. But on the other hand, the engineer's fluffy-hooded coat was rather stylish and a fair commanding officer should always appreciate a good sense for fashion.

Captain looked at the trendy minion, who slept in a sitting position in a tattered armchair. Judging from the wriggling, he must have been having some exciting dreams. Perhaps about his recent discoveries of the secret mutated wildlife? Being the understanding leader he was, Captain allowed him to continue these restless dreams for the moment.

If not Engie, should he choose Pilot? A loyal minion like that would surely be grateful for the honor. Of course, a brilliant leader didn't need any prizes or gratitude. And Captain was exactly that type of leader, with or without Pilot's confirmation.

He went to the next room, to find his dutiful minion curled up on a carpet and covered with a blanket. Captain was about to wake him up, when he reminded himself of the very important rule of being a responsible superior. It said: "Never spoil your trustworthy subordinate with too many privileges," he recalled, "otherwise that subordinate will stop trying his best to impress you."

_Being a wise commander is no picnic,_ Captain thought, as he left Pilot's room, letting his minion rest. Sometimes he almost couldn't believe his own wonderful greatness.

The third of his underlings was lying on a couch, his arm dangling over the edge limply. The snippy sniper usually gave the impression of being a somewhat lazy, and highly stubborn minion, but Captain knew better than that. All the man needed was a little encouragement. And his kind-hearted leader intended to give him exactly that.

The decision was made, but another important question followed. How to wake the sniper today?

Mr Snippy had acquired the bad habit of getting used to loud noises and sleeping through them, no matter what. It was always a challenging and rewarding experience to come up with a new surprise waking call for him – and to learn a few funny words from the sniper in return.

In search of inspiration, Captain looked out of the window. There were some constructions going on near their headquarters.

_Perfekt_, he thought to himself contentedly, and without further ado he walked out of the base.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," Captain greeted, tipping his hat at two skeletons with a polite smile behind his sexy gas mask. "I have a little favor to ask. Zee Captain needs to borrow zis pretty device."

As expected, the workers had nothing against it. They were happy to take a break. As soon as he took the equipment from their bony hands, they dozed off and fell to the ground. Apparently, the poor things were extremely tired.

When he got back to the living room, Mr Sleepyhead was still in the same position as before, so Captain moved closer to him and watched the sniper for a minute – it didn't look like he was planning to wake up of his own volition any time soon. After confirming this, Captain placed the borrowed device next to the couch and prepared himself for the waking-Snippy-up procedure.

The sweet sound of the pneumatic drill blows filled up the room.

Mr Snippy shouted and jumped to his feet, trying to cover his ears with his palms. Most likely, he was saying something, but Captain couldn't hear him at all over the din.

The other minions showed up shortly after. Engie, with his right hand pressed to his chest, seemed on the verge of a heart attack. Pilot was already standing at attention, apparently willing to fulfill any given order at once.

Seeing his whole army ready for a new adventure, Captain dropped the pneumatic hammer and the loud noise stopped. Using that device had turned out to be another ingenious idea. Thanks to it, all of his minions woke up simultaneously.

"Good morning my toasty followers," he said gleefully, clasping his hands together.

"You call _that_ good?" Snippy snapped at him as usual. The guy must really hate mornings.

Captain decided to ignore the sniper's pointless grumbling about the risk of becoming deaf.

"I have missions for all of you," he declared simply. "Mr Snippy, listen carefully. I shall say this only once: Go and collect the items from zis shopping list!"

"Great! What am I supposed to fetch you this time? The legendary sword Excalibur? The Golden Gate bridge? Perhaps an irradiated meteorite while I am at it?"

After making all those wonderful suggestions, the sniper grabbed the list and began studying it.

With that being dealt with, Captain turned to his next minion, who was eagerly awaiting his orders.

"Engie! I want you to drop any project you have been working on until further notice! You will begin a _new _project for your Captain immediately! While using zis wonderful tool for making holes, I had zee stroke of genius! Make a bigger machine, so we can travel to zee other side of zee Earth with eet."

"Oh, yes! Absolutely brilliant idea! And why the hell would you want to go there, Seven?"

It surprised Captain, that of all his minions it was the engineer who was asking this question. But as a good commander, Captain was willing to help the man filling this apparent gap in his education.

"That is basic knowledge, Engie. When eet ees winter in zis hemisphere, eet ees always summer on zee other side of zee Earth! And we obviously currently have a bad case of zee winters. So once we get there we can all go for zee sunbathing and grab us zem rare vitamin Ds and maybe even some other letters, gotta collect zem all!"

"Yay! Sunbathing! Can we bring Photoshop along, too?" Pilot clapped his hands. He seemed to understand the plan far better than Engie, who was busy now burying his face in his palms in shame, because he hadn't grasped the entire genius reasoning behind the plan earlier.

The engineer left the meeting, still shaking his head about his own most epic fail, probably to begin work at once. Captain, in the meantime, imagined throwing a frisbee for Photoshop to fetch on a beach that for once wasn't frozen. An appealing thought indeed! But of course it wouldn't be that easy. Bringing a crawler worm mutant like her along came at terrible risks for the health. So they would have to take some precautions. Captain nodded, more to himself than to his Pilot.

"Of course we won't leave our beloved pet behind, mein minion! But remember to bring an additional bottle of sun lotion for her! She has very sensitive skin."

"Captain! What's the matter with this list?" the sniper suddenly inquired, still studying it as if it was written in some strange code.

"Ees there a problem with understanding my superior handwriting again, Mr Snippy?"

The sniper shook his head. He held the paper up against the light, turned it around to see whether more was written on the other side, and finally answered his Captain's question.

"No, I can read it quite well: meat, water, carrots, flour... these are completely normal supplies, Captain."

"So?" Captain asked. It was not necessary to get impatient with Mr Snippy. The minion always needed a moment to sort out his thoughts but once he was done with that, he was eager to share them.

"So what's the catch?"

"There ees no catch, mein silly sniper! Zee Captain wants to eat a nice stew for dinner today. So hurry up and get us zee ingredients, and don't forget to watch out for zee killer clowns while you are out there!"

The sniper blinked twice. "Sorry, Captain, could you repeat that last part? I think my ears may have suffered damage from that drill attack earlier after all. I could swear you just used the words 'killer' and 'clowns' in the same sentence!"

"That ees because I did! Zere ees nothing more lethal zan an assassin, who hides behind a false smile and too wide pants!"

Mr Snippy was rubbing the spot between his eyes; was his minion still that tired?

"Captain, there are no clowns left out there! Neither killer nor normal ones! I know you rarely sleep, and this place has a huge book shelf but if you prefer to read at night, please try to avoid the god damn Stephen King novels!"

And with that, the sniper grabbed his gas mask and rifle and departed on his glorious quest, leaving his commanding officer worrying very much about his minion's wellbeing.

"Mr Snippy doesn't believe in zee killer clowns! Zat is bad! Zat is very bad! Zey will catch him completely unprepared!" Captain turned to his last minion, who was still trying to stand at attention, but was already fidgeting with impatience. Of course there was a reason why Captain's most devoted follower got his orders last today.

"Pilot!"

"Captain?" the man asked, making no attempt to hide the eagerness in his voice.

Captain put an arm around Pilot's shoulders and lowered his voice as much as possible:

"I have a very special mission for you!"

* * *

After sending all the minions out on their duties, Captain wondered what to do with the rest of the day, which had barely even started.

He decided to check up on Engie, who had holed himself up in his room and was busy working on a piece of boring looking machinery. It looked boring because it was not the Super-drill Captain had ordered him to build. Captain's trained eye could see that at first glance.

"How is zee work going, mein minion!" he inquired, going along with it for the moment.

_You'd better have a very good excuse, wasting precious mission time like this. _

It was very satisfying seeing his minion flinch in guilt at the words of his commander.

"Seven! Don't sneak up on me like that! I'll get onto it later! Building a huge drill like that needs lots of... careful planning. Very careful planning! It may take months until even my concept is finished!"

"Hardly surprising if you keep up zis sloppy pace, minion! Your Captain ees not impressed! Eet ees easy! Your machine just needs to drill straight down until we reach zee core of zee planet and zen straight up for zee other half of zee way!"

"Seven, You realize that zee... the, I mean "the"! You realise that the Earth's core is really hot?"

"Worry not about such unimportant details, Engie! Zee Captain is hot stuff too!"

Thus, after motivating the squad's science and construction team, the Captain decided it was time for some adventuring. This part of Captania still had a few secret and hidden spots that its righteous ruler had not blessed with his presence yet. It was high time to change that. But of course not all places were equally worthy of Captain's attention.

Usually, it was obvious where to go next, since Captain always knew the ideal path. But sometimes (like now, for example), the path was branching and all possible directions seemed equally alluring.

_Where shall I go?_ he wondered while wandering around downtown.

Finally, a neon sign caught Captain's attention. It was still beautiful, even though it was broken. What was more important, the squiggled lettering showed a word Captain had already heard earlier today: "Excalibur". This had to be a sign! Well, it was a sign, literally.

_Time for some exploring! _

The place looked rather fancy. It was some sort of castle. At the entrance, Captain met two knights in full suits of armor. Guards were standing there without the slightest movement. They didn't bother him with any pointless questions, which meant that the owner of this place had probably awaited the King of Captania for some time. The host had to be one of the local overlords. Captain didn't remember all of them; his mind was occupied with more important things than names and faces. And yet this time he felt the urge to recall, who it might be. If he or she showed up, Captain would certainly tell them that the rather tattered red carpet was not enough for such a noble guest as himself! The welcoming should be more splendid! Overlords these days! They knew nothing about the proper protocol for greeting authorities!

But soon enough, Captain changed his mind. As a great poet had once said: "A woman is fickle." Beside, there was a party going on in the main chamber of the Overlord's castle. Apparently, the host hadn't forgotten to invite some other notable guests for the celebration of the governor's arrival.

The Great Hall was full of skeletons playing games of chance, or sitting at the bar and sipping their drinks. It was hard to decide which game to join in – the card games, the dice, or that silly one with the little wheel and the ball. He strolled from one table to another, trying to locate the most amusing attraction. As he passed through the rows of slot machines, the wheels inside them started to move, before every single one of them stopped at three red hearts. Plastic coins started to come out like a flood, but Captain didn't even pay attention to that. He was too busy looking for a place for himself. Those poor gamblers had no idea that the best of the best players was among them. And the epic win was his for the taking.

As always, luck was on his side. After winning every game that was possibly left to win, Captain decided to take a break. He took a walk around the castle with the intention of finding some souvenir. After all, he deserved a prize for being so excellent!

Suddenly, something extraordinary caught his eye. There it was – the legendary item of this castle! Captain spotted it behind a piece of broken glass. It seemed to be waiting for someone to take it. And who would be a better new owner than the glorious Captain? He was the only one here familiar with magic, and without a doubt this scepter was magical. He hadn't even touched it yet, and he already felt its power. Not only was the wand mighty, it was also fashionable. Captain just couldn't help but reach for it.

"Hello, my pretty," he murmured tenderly to his newest trophy. "You happen to be one of the few things that are worthy of Captain's attention. Be proud of yourself."

With that, he headed back to the base. He couldn't wait to show his find to his minions. Mr Snippy would be amazed! Thinking about it made Captain feel as captainly as ever. Now that he possessed this formidable item, remarkable things would be achieved! He knew exactly how he would use the scepter. And his new idea was absolutely awesome!


	2. One more player

On the way back to his headquarters, Captain decided to test his new scepter. He tossed it high up in the air, where it spun in loops a few times, then caught it again and twirled it around between his fingers, changing between the left and the right hand. And if Captain did all this in an especially showy manner, it was only because he felt that he was being watched. Being watched was nothing new for zee Captain of course. It happened all the time. Mostly it was those entities that Captain liked to call his "sexy followers". Sometimes there even were cameras and spotlights. But not this time, this time it was something different – something intense and almost disturbing. Captain remembered this feeling from before, and he knew the meaning behind it all too well. He was being watched by his stalker!

Having a stalker was a strange experience. Not that Captain hadn't been through worse, but knowing that some sneaky little snot was lurking in the shadows was simply infuriating. That creeper had no guts, never attempting to speak to Captain or even show his face – all he did was hide! It was pure cowardice, and Captain didn't like cowards. On the other hand, no one should be blamed for the natural urge to admire zee Captain. After all, he loved being adored and he adored being loved. Unfortunately, some fans had no respect for their idol's privacy (like that stalky stalker). Captain still hadn't forgotten the uneasy moment when he had found the pink goggled stranger in his bedroom. Things like that were definitely unacceptable! But being a celebrity had its price.

_No one said it would be easy to be so irresistible_, he thought as he marched on, trying to ignore the eyes of the beholder.

Even if Mr Stalky was the invisible man, Captain would still manage to find him if he put his mind to it. But Captain didn't try to locate his stalker. First of all, that wasn't something that a self-respecting commander would do. He could order his minions to do that for him. Looking for the lurker would mean some kind of role switching. And Captain wasn't about to stalk his own stalker – not for the world! He would not stoop to that low! The thought alone made him feel degraded.

Not to mention that there was another good reason for leaving things as they were – surely no other captain could say that they had their very own stalker! Wasn't that a fact to be proud of? After all, being stalked meant more or less being wanted – and being wanted was rather satisfying. Keeping that in mind, Captain brightened up and performed some more tricks with his magic scepter before entering the base.

Mr Snippy had returned from his mission, and greeted the Captain as soon as he opened the door to his headquarters.

"Captain! We. Need. To. Talk!" Snippy ground the sentence out, emphasizing every single word in it.

Mr Snippy's goggle caps were currently forming a neat 'V'. Those moving caps had always fascinated Captain. They seemed to act like mood-rings, just without colors, which was a pity, actually. A 'V' meant that his sniper was upset about something. Well, it couldn't be that bad this time. Mr Snippy's voice was calm, not overly loud. On second glance, it looked like the minion had been to a party, too. A party that had been a bit wilder than the classy one from which Captain had just returned, judging by the streamers and confetti stuck to the sniper's monochromatic jacket.

"Greetings my minion! How did your mission go?" Captain inquired.

"Oh it went really well, until _someone_ suddenly started throwing skeletons and shredded toilet paper at me. Things went downhill from there!"

"Oh, no! You were ambushed by zee killer clowns!"

"I WAS AMBUSHED BY PILOT!" the minion shouted, gesticulating violently.

As Snippy ranted, Captain had retrieved his mug and was now taking a refreshing sip of tea through his straw.

"By Pilot you say? Nonsense! Why would he do such a thing?"

"Don't play innocent, Captain! It was you who told Pilot to throw skeletons with clown noses and rainbow wigs at me! Just to make me believe in that stupid theory of killer clowns! You had it all planned from the start!"

"Can you prove that it was Pilot sending all those killer clowns after you?"

"Of course it was him! Did you really think I wouldn't recognize him in that stupid costume? I'll give you a hint for next time: That breathing tube sticking out from under the red rubber nose was a dead-giveaway!"

Captain thought about this for a moment. He rarely listened to anyone else, mostly because no one in Captania was as smart as he was. Following silly advice from his minions seemed like a waste of time, but Mr Snippy had actually said something interesting just now. Captain didn't like to admit it, but the black'n'white minion might be right for once.

"Fine," he said finally, nodding. "I will talk to Pilot."

As if on cue, said minion showed up. One could take it for a coincidence, but Captain knew better than that – there were no coincidences in this world, there were only magical skills.

"You are just in time, Pilot!" he affirmed, and glanced at his subordinate, who gave him a two-fingered salute in response. It didn't take an eagle's eye to notice the stains of colorful paint on the minion's gloves. Captain shook his head in disapproval.

"I'm afraid I must reprimand you for today's irresponsible deeds. You should be sorry: You disappointed your fellow minion and your marvelous Captain! Shame on you, Pilot! Snippy recognized you. Your camouflage skills are absolutely boobish!"

"What? That's it?" the snappish sniper cut in, apparently still not pleased with this harsh reprimand.

His irritation was hardly understandable, because Pilot looked rather shattered by his inability to successfully use a disguise.

"Nein, I'm not done yet!" Captain assured him. "Zis will not happen again! I know exactly what to do about eet! Pilot!"

The fallible minion twitched at the harsh voice of his strict commander.

"Your skills need to be improved immediately! One day, your teammates' life might depend on them."

Sniper made a funny sound, as he always did during the amazing speeches given by his Captain. Nevertheless, he was ignored, and his great leader simply barreled on.

"Because of zat, you are getting nominated for zee supervisor of zee section of zee productions crew concerned with costumes! Congratulations, Pilot! From now on, you are officially responsible for designing and making costumes for zee Apocadance Day!"

"Apoca-what?" Mr Snippy asked, but his voice was drowned out by the shrill cry uttered by the overexcited green-goggled minion.

"Oh, Captain! You will be proud, I promise!"

"Sehr gut. You may go now. More instructions will be given to you soon. As for you, mein sniper," Captain turned to the other minion and clapped him vigorously on the shoulder.

"Don't worry. Your Captain will find you a nice job too. Our glorious holiday will take a lot of preparation. You could take care of zee catering for example. We are going to need a lot of sweets! All the children in Captania will be delighted."

"What children? There are no... ugh, nevermind..."

"So as I was saying, zee Apocadance Day ees an old tradition of honing the camouflage skills, zat came from zee legendary land of Germany. Zee celebration would take a whole season back then, but times were hard, unlike now."

Captain stopped and gazed at his minion to check the expression of his "living goggles". Snippy didn't seem interested in the story, at least not as much as he was supposed to be. His arms were crossed and his caps still formed a "V". Maybe the sniper felt jealous? Preparing food didn't look like much fun compared to taking care of the costumes.

Captain moved closer to his jealous minion and whispered to him, as discreet as ever. "If you don't like zat job, I'll give it to Engie. And you can have his assignment. Sound good?"

"No!" he snapped. "It sounds like another stupid, pointless mission! You ordered Pilot to attack me, and you're not even sorry! And now you want to send me back to the bloody wasteland just because you made up some crazy holiday again! I don't want to do the catering or anything else! I want to take a rest and get those damn streamers off my jacket!"

With that, the snappish sniper left the room. Captain, deep in thought, remained frozen in place. Perhaps, this time he should meet Snippy halfway? But not just like that, of course – in Captain's army there was no such thing as a free lunch! However, something certainly could be done to make the Apocadance Day even more entertaining. And one little deal with his minions wouldn't do any harm. Captain smiled behind his mask as he came up with a new idea. He knew what to offer to those simpleminded minions of his.

He waited until lunch, because the lunch time was a perfect moment for all meaningful announcements. The minions were ordered to eat together as every traditional family should, so the three of them sat at the large, old-fashioned table. Captain liked how dramatic that table looked. But anyway, he didn't come here to admire the furniture. He could do that later.

"Minions, your Captain has something important to tell you!"

Three pairs of eyes focused on him, expecting to hear some good news.

"As you may already know, zee Apocadance Day is coming," he began to explain with passion, "but you may not know, what zee star attraction of zee night will be."

"Let me guess," Engie interrupted, "it's gonna be you?"

"Yes, and no," Captain explained calmly to his brainy minion. "Zee Captain will be in zee spotlight indeed, but I won't be zere alone. During zis great event I want to present a very special item to my toasty followers. I want them to feast their eyes on zee beauty of the royal scepter of Captania!"

And with that, he brandished his new finding at the curious minions. Engie went silent, apparently in awe of the pure perfection of it. Pilot gasped and Snippy took a deep breath before saying: "You know that thing is just a fake, right?"

"Nonsense, mein sniper," Captain said, quite irritated by the constant lack of faith demonstrated by his blue-goggled minion. "Can a fake do zis?"

And with that he gracefully twirled the scepter in his hand, as if he was a qualified majorette.

This little show left his underlings speechless. And that was only a small sample of what could be done with the magic baton.

"Don't tell me, you want to lead a marching band or something?" Engie broke the silence, and promptly continued eating his meal.

"I can't tell you everything about Apocadance Day. Zat would ruin zee surprise and we don't want zat, do we?"

Pilot vigorously shook his head, letting Captain know that spoiling the surprise would be the worst thing ever. Captain knew that of course, so he went on with the topic.

"Nevertheless, some preparations have to be made before zat happy day will come. But..." he paused dramatically. "I have heard that some of you would rather like to go on vacation. Zere's no need to mention whose idea eet was – let's keep eet between us, Mr Snippy. Zee point ees, zee Captain thought through eet, and I am ready to give one of you a day-off."

"Which one of us?" the snipsnap sniper inquired.

"Zee one who wins a game of luck! Zee Captain wants to play cards! But I'm warning you, there is no vacation for losers!"

"But, Captain... I don't want to go on vacation!" Pilot started complaining like a little child, and Captain had no choice but to explain that the day-off was not obligatory.

"But you will play anyway. Zat is an order," he added, and then turned to the other two.

"Zee game is quite simple. It is called _Old Maid_. I believe you will understand zee rules right away."

The minions had almost emptied their plates of delicious rat-stew that Snippy had brought the ingredients for earlier, so Captain decided that it was a high time to start with the gambling. This afternoon was going to be fun! He went to his room to get a new pack of cards and left the scepter on the desk for the moment. When he returned, he sat down in the living room with his men and started explaining the object of the game. All it took was a single glance and Captain already knew that his little minions would do their best to win.

_Zat's zee spirit_, he thought, and smiled to himself.

* * *

"O Captain! Dear Captain! This scepter that you hold... it is no dream, that everything you touch turns into gold."

Hidden from their eyes, Stalky waited. He was patient, as patient as a predator could be. It had been a while since the last time he had felt this overwhelming urge. But the need was undeniable and it was slowly consuming him right now.

He wanted that scepter. He wanted it so badly. To touch it, to hold it, to own it – that was all he dreamed about. Ever since he saw his precious Captain with that golden wand, he knew he had to lay his hands on it. This item was one of the legendary treasures of Captania and for that reason Stalky needed to add it to his great collection. And as if that wasn't enough, the scepter had also been touched by the hottest human being in this radioactive desert. That made the stalker want to grasp it too. It would be almost like making physical contact with Captain.

"O Captain! My Captain," he whispered once more, even though he knew that he couldn't afford to be heard or noticed.

Sometimes this urge was stronger than his own will – the compulsion to repeat those words that were stuck in his mind for some unknown reason. He heard that strange melody deep inside his head and the rhyme just came to him without any effort. But it wasn't the right time to look into that issue. After all, he had a mission to accomplish.

The task seemed complicated, but not impossible. None of those foolish minions had sensed his presence up till now. When they were all present at the base like now, one of them was usually carefully keeping watch while the others were doing their chores or sleeping, but today they all were playing cards. Stalky could hear them arguing. The one with the Russian accent had suggested that Captain shouldn't participate because his incredible luck was unfair. That comment had made the pilot angry, so now he was calling his teammate some senseless names – mostly footwear-related. One more word from the Russian guy and the other one would probably flip a table... literally. Then again, that was exactly what the stalker hoped for. The chaos was on his side; it would keep the minions busy and give him a perfect chance to take what he wanted.

"Soon..." he murmured through his broken gas mask. "Soon we will be together, my precious."

* * *

The game of _Old Maid_ didn't last very long. It finished earlier than expected, even though they wasted quite a while on a meaningless argument between Pilot and Engie.

Captain recalled said argument as he began absentmindedly building a house from the cards they had used. Actually, the engineer had had a point. It had been unfair indeed – it was totally unfair that the invincible Captain was bound to play with such a bunch of lame gamers! His minions turned out to be the most boobish opponents he had ever played with! Winning against them was not even fun. Gambling in the casino had at least been a little bit thrilling, but here... here he ended up being most unamused. Even Pilot's attempt to cheer on his leader during the final match by spelling Captain's name didn't help much. That was probably because the childish minion had spelled "Captain" incorrectly. Anyway, Captain felt too bored to be bothered by something like that.

The three failures had been dismissed some time ago; of course none of them had proved himself worthy of being given a day-off. Snippy had gone back to his room, probably ashamed of his unacceptable lack of good luck. The other two had been sent to the kitchen. Doing the dishes usually wasn't a two-man mission, but since Engie and Pilot had been so eager to argue, they might as well do something more productive together.

Captain had been left alone with his thoughts and his card-castle. He was about to add the seventh level to his magnificent construction, when...

Ear-splittingly loud and high-pitched screams came from the adjacent room. Captain didn't have time to react as his card-house swayed and slowly crumpled to pieces.

* * *

Engie hated it when he had to spend some time alone with Pilot. Seven's presence was annoying enough, but the incredible luck of that egoistic maniac at least guaranteed the survival of everyone near him, an attribute which at least made putting up with the irritation worthwhile. Pilot was the opposite, his impulsive behavior brought nothing but danger to others. Even a seemingly innocent task like doing the dishes could end up really bad.

Knowing that made Dr Gromov wonder if the hyperactive lunatic was still angry at him for that unfortunate comment he'd made during the game. He couldn't tell much without seeing the face expression hidden behind Pilot's gas mask. Just in case, Engie looked around the place searching for any sharp tools. Finding none was a big relief. But something else caught his eyes.

"Hmmm? Was that thing there before?" he pointed towards a huge, black box that had been placed on the middle of kitchen cabinet, between the empty plates.

Pilot cast a look at the red stripe with the heart and let out a shrill shriek. "That is the box of doom! Don't touch it, you chubby slug! Don't touch it!"

Engie was already holding the mysterious object in his hands, shaking it curiously.

"What the hell are you so afraid of? It's obviously just a prank from Captain. It's far too light to contain anything dangerous, so calm down you moron!"

This was the moment when the lid of the box came off and its contents showered down onto the two unlucky minions...

* * *

This chapter was planned and written by both of us, and beta-read by e_ight-Of-heart_s - for what we are very grateful. We also want to thank _Zerrnichter_ for giving us a permission to use his awesome character - Stalky.

Thanks for reading!


	3. To raise the ante

"So let me get this straight," Snippy began.

"You two found a suspicious box right here in our base. And Engie managed to spill its contents – which turned out to be radioactive spiders – through the whole room. And that's the reason why the two of you were screaming like schoolgirls just now?" the sniper inquired, crushing something small, green and glowy that had far too many legs under the heel of his boot.

"Well, it was a rather nasty prank Seven played on us there," Engie explained a touch lamely.

"Captain would never do such a thing, you fluffy scuff! It was an intruder! I bet it was that nasty stalker again!"

"Yeah sure, a stalker, because there are that many people out there who have nothing better to do than stalk Captain. _There is no stalker_!"

"I don't know," Snippy interrupted dubiously. "I'd rather be safe than sorry, and it can't hurt to check the base to make sure everything is alright. I mean, we don't know if..."

"HÖLLE, TEUFEL UND VERDAMMNIS! MEIN ZIMMER! WELCHER SCHURKE HAT ES GEWAGT DAS MAGISCHE ZEPTER AN SICH ZU REISSEN? STALKY!? WENN ICH DICH ELENDEN, KLEINEN SCHLEICHER IN DIE FINGER KRIEGE!"

"Okay, I have no idea what he's screaming about, but I guess everything is _not_ alright," Snippy stated, turning a shade paler under his mask.

The other two looked as shocked as him, if that was even possible.

Captain marched up and down the scene of the crime, tearing the now empty black box to shreds.

"Zis stalky stalker has gone too far zis time! Stealing zee relic of utter importance for zee festival of awesomesaucyness!"

His three minions were all standing at attention. Even though the disappearance of the scepter probably meant that the dreaded Apocadance day would be canceled, there was no relief to be felt.

Captain waved his mug in their direction.

"GO AND BRING BACK ZEE BATON OF APOCADANCENESS BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!"

And with that, he left the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that a large piece of plaster fell from the wall.

The three minions exhaled as one.

"Oh god! I hate when Seven is like that!" Engie commented.

Snippy nodded agreement. "One has to wonder how someone wearing a constantly_ smiling_ gas mask manages to look that angry."

Pilot simply wrapped his arms around himself, radiating misery.

Engie and Pilot watched quietly as Snippy tried to find out where the intruder had come from. Checking around the base for tracks took a long time and unfortunately yielded no results.

"Sorry, I can't find anything special. There are too many footprints from the four of us around the base."

"Then there is no proof there really was an intruder!" Gromov eagerly returned to his pet theory about Captain just playing a prank on his minions. "I'm not gonna chase after some phantom stalker just to get that useless replica of an even more useless scepter back."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"And what are you going to do, then?" Snippy inquired.

"Easy. I will just make a new one. It's not rocket science."

"As if Captain won't be able to tell the difference. But go ahead, it's your funeral, Einstein," the sniper replied, checking his equipment in preparation to set out again.

"And what is_ your_ brilliant plan?" Engie's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"If there was one scepter, there might be another," Snippy shrugged. "The chances of finding another one are still better than finding that stalker. Pilot, what are you..." Snippy shrugged again as he noticed that Pilot hadn't waited for them to finish their planning and had run off on his own.

So he'd go alone. That was probably better anyway.

What Snippy was planning was difficult. Captain hadn't told them where he had discovered the scepter in the first place. Still, following Captain's tracks would be easier than tracking the Stalker down.

Contrary to Gromov's beliefs, Snippy could easily believe in the existence of such a creep. Of course he'd never seen so much as a footprint from the guy, but he had been around Captain long enough to know for sure that this wasn't a prank. Captain had been angry, yes, but there was more to it than that. For whatever reason, Captain had only suggested playing cards because of Snippy's complaining. And while they had been distracted, the scepter had been stolen. It felt just a little like it was all his fault.

Unlike other times Snippy had tried this, for once he was actually able to find his commander's footprints. The sniper took that as a good sign. Nevertheless, he couldn't help the feeling that he was following a butterfly. Captain's trail was anything but a straight line. He had apparently stopped to 'admire' the view a few times, even though Snippy wasn't sure what was so special about a blank wall of concrete that Captain had spent at least 20 minutes staring at. At least it did not take too long to discover the casino.

The sniper sighed. The place was big and creepy as hell. Skeletons in tattered evening dresses were sprawled over every table.

_Where did Captain find that scepter? _

Above the main hallway seemed to be some sort of gallery. Snippy spied a row of broken showcases. The old staircase creaked ominously under his weight as he carefully made his way upstairs. According to the dusty footprints, Captain had inspected the glass cabinets on the left side. Snippy decided to try his luck on the right side of the gallery.

Nobody had bothered to scavenge the "riches" displayed in the showcases. The shabby replicas looked even more fake in the pale light of the apocalyptic day.

Finally he discovered what he had come for, another scepter much alike if not entirely the same as the one that had been stolen. It was resting on a pillow of deep blue velvet in probably the only showcase that hadn't been broken yet.

Everything was going really well so far...

He pulled the rifle off his shoulder and smashed in the cabinet. The sound of splintering glass hadn't quite died away when it was suddenly drowned out by a terrible roar.

Snippy grabbed the scepter and started running.

* * *

The engineer didn't have much trouble finding a few small metal pieces he could easily solder into the shape of the scepter. It really wasn't rocket science, it wasn't science at all.

He really hated working for Seven. Most of the stuff he ordered the engineer to build would have been utterly impossible or pointless to create even before the apocalypse. And yet, this lunatic expected miracles to be performed on a daily basis. It was a complete waste of effort, resources and, worst of all, Gromov's time. And now he had to create another toy to keep that maniac happy. Well, Captain wouldn't be happy with the plain metal baton Gromov had just assembled – that much was obvious.

Gromov sighed; another trip into the town was unavoidable. He wondered where he should go, maybe a toy store or some such, since he would have to find something to ornate the baton with. Gold paint, some cheap glass pearls or rhinestones...

Engie stopped in his thoughts and in his tracks. Why, in fact, would it have to be the cheap stuff? Whatever he was doing, he wanted to be proud of his work! And doing something like this half-assed when he could deliver the real thing without much effort was definitely not his style.

He nodded grimly to himself and opened the door to a jeweler's shop. He would show Seven what a true relic was supposed to look like!

Performing wonders? Who, apart from a genius like Alexander Gromov, was qualified to do so?

* * *

Pilot had left the two useless shoes to their fruitless plotting. They wouldn't listen to him anyway. They never did! How could that baton of awesomeness ever be replaced? Captain loved it for its simple elegance, its sparkle and its unique balance. Of course Captain would perform perfectly with any kind of stick, bone or umbrella, but it just wouldn't be the same for him. Captain would know the difference and Captain would be unhappy. And that would mean that he, Pilot, would have failed his duty as a minion in Captain's army of deliciousness again, thrice in a single day!

"Over my dead, cold body!" he muttered.

Deep in thought, he had wandered out into the wasteland, not exactly watching where he was going. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. If the sneaky sneaker Snippy didn't find any tracks from the intruder, then he, Pilot had even less chance of detecting them. It wasn't easy to admit that Snippy was better at something than Pilot, but Pilot had never really seen the differences in footprints in the snow, nor had he the patience to work out how they had deformed over time. After all, Captain had never taught him about tracking. And everything Snippy and Engie said was either lies, stupid or incredibly dull.

But how exactly was he going to find Stalky? He could run around the town the whole day looking for him. But that had already been a completely fruitless effort, before the safety of the glorious baton was on the line. Not that Pilot would have minded doing it that way, if Captain told him that was the right method, but Captain had said "by any means necessary".

Pilot halted in his tracks and sat down on the bonnet of a wrecked car. _Any means necessary_. Pilot would have to use more than just his physical powers to bring that special foe to justice. This was what Captain had meant.

_How do I find Stalky?_

_Where would I hide, if I was Stalky?_

_Where would I hide, if I was Stalky and had just stolen Captain's most prized... no that is the mug... second prized... that is the straw... well if I had stolen Captain's favorite scepter?_

This was where the train of thoughts came to a screeching halt. Pilot just wasn't able to think like a petty thief, like someone who would make Captain unhappy.

Why was it so desirable to possess an item that had been Captain's, when stealing it made Captain unhappy? It was far better to make Captain the happiest Captain ever. A smile from Captain or an approving word were worth more than any trinket!

Maybe it was because Stalky wasn't a minion? Because he wasn't able to bathe in the glorious light that was Captain's presence, he had to desperately grab anything that was even slightly to do with Captain?

Pilot tilted his head back until he could see the gray cloudy sky.

No, he wasn't able to think like Stalky, at least not enough to chase him down with his mind. But maybe it was possible to make the stalker come to him? He just needed something to lure him out.

As Captain had said, Pilot would need to use all of his abilities. First came the thinking, then the trap building, and then that tip-top-toe-shoe had better hope he was able to run faster than Pilot...

"I should break his knees to make sure he can't," Pilot smiled grimly behind his mask.

The true hunt began now!

Knowing the weakness of your foes was the first step towards victory. That was one of the first things a ninja had to learn! Captain had said so, so it was true.

Pilot had carefully pondered all the information available about the stealthy one. While Stalky might be good at hiding, sneaking and stealing stuff, he absolutely sucked at drawing Captain. Pilot had seen the little doodle the stalker had left when escaping from Captain's room. Even if most of it was smeared by tea-stains, Pilot was still confident that he could do better than Stalky blindfolded and with both hands tied behind his back. So if the stalker was completely unable to draw a picture of Captain himself, that might be just the bait Pilot needed to lure him out.

Strangely, the task itself made Pilot rather nervous. In theory it was easy enough.

He searched for a good, open area, positioned an easel and put a huge piece of white cardboard on it. He didn't have a real canvas, and normal paper was too thin to use like this. The problem was, this was the only fitting piece of cardboard Pilot had – there wouldn't be a second chance if he messed this attempt up. And since he had to create this painting in a rather flashy, attention drawing way, failure was a distinct possibility. It would have been even better if Captain was modeling for this picture. But then, it might be damaged or even stolen in the deciding battle against Stalky and that would make Captain very unhappy indeed. It was just too high a risk.

Pilot inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and tried to ban all thoughts from his mind that weren't about Captain.

First there needed to be the pose; it had to carry a sense of balance and Captain's perfect grace. The picture had to show Captain's infallible sense of fashion, his commanding aura and his gentle smile. The brush raced over the paper, not stopping even once. There was the black, the gray, the red and of course the purple sparkle of the lenses. The hat, the scarf, the mug. In his mind's eye, Pilot imagined Captain at the beach; the hills were green again, the sky and the water blue. Foam was glittering white on the waves and Captain was balancing on a giant shell washed ashore. It was a sight of sheer beauty. It was impossible to capture all this on a single piece of cardboard. Nevertheless the picture had turned out really well. Just the last finishing strokes...

Pilot's hand froze. Something was different from before. The atmosphere surrounding him had suddenly changed.

Pilot didn't have a sense for danger, as he was basically fearless. But maybe he had a sense for rivals, and now this sense was telling him that his plan had worked.

Stalky was nearby, watching all of his movements...

* * *

A thin stream of pink smoke rose into the air. It might have been just a whim of the wind, but when it curled into itself it formed a shape that almost looked like a heart.

Stalky hadn't even noticed he had been holding his breath until the pilot's hand stopped moving for a moment.

The pilot was a troublesome opponent. Ever since that man had it taken upon himself to guard the Captain's bedroom, Stalky hadn't been able to sneak in while the Captain was resting. No more chances to watch Captain sleeping, no more opportunities to watch him changing or to refill the mug. The damn pilot might look like he was dozing off on the job, but he jumped to attention if Stalky so much as _thought_ too loudly about getting into Captain's room.

Even with all the commotion during the game of cards it had been difficult enough to fetch the magical wand since the sniper had secured all the possible entryways to the base. Nevertheless, it was the pilot Stalky really hated for standing between he and Captain.

And now, for a moment, it had looked like Bug-eyes had noticed Stalky again.

_If I want that picture I need to get him out of the way. And I _want that picture_! _

What could distract the pilot? He was probably not lured away by food and stubborn enough to rescue the picture first if he was under attacks from mutants. That only left the man's prime mission.

_And that can be arranged! _Stalky thought to himself.

Another stream of pink smoke trickled out of his broken mask and dissolved in the cold air, as the stalker quickly but quietly ducked away. He had to hurry, had to return before the pilot could finish the painting.

* * *

Pilot was adding a few more details to the background when he noticed a movement from the corner of his eye.

_What? Is that a _flying machine_! _

Without further ado, he threw down the brush and the palette, and chased after the small plastic toy-plane that twirled happily through the air, propelled by a lazy breeze.

Stalky waited a few seconds in his hiding spot until he was sure the pilot was far enough away, then he stepped up to the easel to grab his prize.

This was the moment that Pilot launched himself at the stalker, tackling him down in a surprise attack. But the stalker slammed his elbow into Pilot's gas mask in return. Pilot snarled but the pain didn't stop him from yanking on the stalker's arm. Stalky turned half around and pulled on Pilot's breathing tube, bashing his helmet against Pilot's head at the same time.

The stalker used the moment his opponent was dazed to slip out of Pilot's grip. He tried to get back on his feet, but Pilot had gathered himself enough to clutch the stalker's leg and pull him down again. Stalky kicked and flailed at the pilot, but the aviator just ignored the pain as he lifted his hand to make a swipe at him.

His shoulder bumped against the easel. Pilot and Stalky looked up simultaneously. The piece of cardboard swayed precariously, then all of a sudden it turned over and slowly sank towards the ground.

Both men forgot about their quarrel at once and frantically tried to catch it before it fell into the snow. The hand which finally got hold of it was Stalky's. Pilot was about to pry the painting out of his unworthy claws, but suddenly the stalker was holding a knife in his other fist, pointing it directly at the image of Captain's smiling face.

"You wouldn't dare!" Pilot gasped.

"Try me!"

Pilot stared hatefully at the other man. Stalky's hand holding the knife wasn't even shaking.

"You _monster_!" Pilot hissed.

"Don't follow me!" Stalky responded, getting up and walking slowly backwards with the image of Captain as his hostage.

Pilot had to watch helplessly as the evil shoe escaped with the wonderful painting. And when he finally dared to move again, there was no trace to be seen of the creepy one.

* * *

Stalky was happy. Not only did he finally hold a picture of his Captain in hands, he had taken it directly from that annoying, bug-eyed minion! This day had been so full of win he could barely believe it. Now he had two more treasures to add to his growing collection of Captain-articles of virtue.

It was then that he noticed that the weight he carried felt unusually light. He searched his pockets and... The magical wand was gone!

"Pilooooot!" he shouted in frustration.

* * *

Coming home, Pilot knew that he had just saved the day by retrieving Captain's precious baton. His plan had been a huge success, and the couple of bruises he received in the process didn't really matter. Nothing really mattered, if Captain was going to be pleased! Thinking of it made Pilot's heart skip. He would have started skipping happily too, but at the moment he felt too tired for that. Fighting that ugly stalker had been harder than he had expected. But he had won – mission accomplished!

Captain would be proud! At least, Pilot hoped so.

In fact, he thought he could have performed better. He could have brought that criminal to justice – the ultimate justice of Captain. He could have fetched Captain the shiny new flying machine, but it had crashed to the ground and broken during the duel. On top of that, he could have saved that pretty painting, if only he was able to catch that sly stalker. Next time, Pilot wouldn't play nicely, and the smelly shoe would get what he deserved.

"Captain! I got it! I got your scepter!" he called out as soon as he passed through the door of their hideout.

Unfortunately, Captain wasn't there. Instead of his beloved leader, Pilot spotted his "fellow minions". Calling those two slugs "minions" was a great overstatement in his opinion. In any case, seeing them instead of Captain was very disappointing. Both sat and stared at him as he entered.

"You mean, you found the exact same scepter?" the snippish slug asked, sounding suspicious.

"I didn't _find_ it, I retrieved it from the Stalker!" he answered, deeply irritated by Snipster's lack of appreciation for his great achievement.

To prove his words, Pilot raised the scepter up into the air in a heroic pose. The sheer epicness of this gesture caused both the silly slugs to fall silent for a moment.

"How did you manage to get it back?" Snippy finally asked.

Pilot was about to tell him the whole story, but then he realized that those two cretins couldn't possibly understand. Sharing the whole tale with them seemed like a waste of time, so he said simply: "I outsmarted the stalker."

Hearing that, Mr Snippy and Engie exchanged glances. After a moment both started to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Pilot inquired, slightly confused by their strange reaction.

"Are you trying to tell us," Engie began, still rather amused, "that there is a human being who is dumber than you out there?"

Pilot didn't like that joke very much. Before he could think of any other way to defuse his anger, he found himself rushing towards the engineer with both of his hands clenched into fists. The next thing he knew, he'd punched the cocky slug in the face.

The blow was hard enough to send Engie to the floor along with his chair. There was a _thud_ followed by a yelp of pain. Hearing that gave Pilot a brief jolt of satisfaction, but it didn't help him to calm down – not even a bit. This arrogant shoe had asked for it! Making fun of Pilot was a huge mistake! Especially when Pilot was having a bad day – after all, a day spent drawing a masterpiece only to have it stolen could be hardly acknowledged as "good". But beating Mr Wiseguy up would make that day better for sure.

Without hesitation Pilot leaped on top of his victim, pinning the man down and aimlessly delivering punches. Engie didn't even try to push him off. All he did was utter some words in a strange language (probably in Sluggish). Unlike Stalky, the engineer was no match for Pilot.

"Pilot, stop it!" he heard Snippy's shout, but stopping was not something he was planning to do.

Snipster didn't give up that easily as though. He grabbed Pilot by the shoulder and pulled him away from Engie. This wasn't the smartest of choices. The jiggly slug had simply sealed his own fate.

The very next moment, Sniper landed on the floor, dragged down by the force of Pilot's unleashed fury. They began to struggle. Snippy, who was much stronger than Engie, turned out to be a far more difficult opponent. The sniper managed to kick Pilot off and he slammed into the engineer, who didn't get out of the way in time. That collision probably hurt Engie more than him. But the point was that these two were putting up resistance. That only made Pilot even more determined.

_Bring it on, shoes!_ he thought hatefully, _I could take you on in my sleep!_

* * *

This chapter was planned by both of us and written mostly by _Worstcase._ We want to thank e_ight-Of-heart_s for being our trusty beta-reader, _Zerrnichter_ for giving us a permission to use his awesome character - Stalky, and _Zaci_ for helping us out of the fight scene.

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!


	4. Rematch!

Zee Captain was wandering alone through the wasteland. He felt incredibly angry – for reasons. His entire day was ruined by the theft of the glorious scepter! Then there was the fact that it had been Stalky of all people who had taken the magical relic.

_These are truly lawless times, if you can't even trust your own stalker anymore! _

And all that had happened during this really boring and pointless game of cards Captain had been playing with his minions. Captain had known the stalker was there, yet he had been careless with the scepter's security. He should have deployed sentries, monsters and traps to guard it like it was the custom. And yet playing cards had looked like a better idea, why exactly again?

Captain briefly removed his mask and a group of hostile traffic-lights trying to ambush him at the crossroad exploded in a shower of colorful glass and sparks. This actually lifted his mood slightly.

_You got that coming a long way for you, you red-blinking, insolent scum!_

But it was not enough to ease his main concern.

What would become of the Apocadance Day now? Should he cancel it? No he was Zee Captain, he would find a way to make the day awesome even without the scepter, if worst came to worst. But for now, retrieving it was in the hands of the minions.

It was getting dark now. That meant it was about time to return to the base and check on the minions' progress with that task. It was probably for the best not to get the hopes up too much.

Deep in thought Captain opened the door to his base.

The sight that greeted him was crushing whatever small hope he might still have harbored for the competence of his minions. They were gathered in a moving heap that lazily rolled around the floor. It looked like those boobs were attempting to impersonate Cancer and failing miserably, lacking a few skeletons and the trademark red color. They were so busy trying to make knots into each others' limbs, that they hadn't even noticed the return of their glorious commander.

_Having fun playing around while Captania is in a dire crisis? _

"STAND AT ATTENTION!" Captain demanded, loud enough to drone out the funny words the minions were shouting at each other.

His command was followed by a moment of stunned silence, then a moment of awkward silence, some hasty shuffling around, while the minions tried to sort out which limbs belonged to whom, until they were standing in an uneven row in front of him. Now nervous silence filled the room.

Captain gave them a stern stare: "Look at you! Your uniforms are in an un-ex-zappable sorry state! Now tell zee Captain what zis boobery ees about, minions!"

Snippy was the first one to find his voice: "We were just... just..."

Engie was swaying like he was drunken and muttering something in Russian. And Pilot, Pilot was staring at some spot in front of his feet, before he finally muttered: "Engie started."

"Bwah? You hit him in the face first!" Snippy protested.

"No, it's all Engie's fault!" Pilot insisted.

"Come on Gromov, say something! Tell Captain the truth!" Snippy nudged the engineer.

Engie staggered again upon that and replied: "There... There is _no_ spoon!"

"What? Captain, I think he may have a concussion!"

"Silence!" Captain cut him off feeling sick and tired of this foolishness.

What had become of his beautiful, victorious army? It looked like a comedy of sorts, but it wasn't even funny. His three minions had proven themselves utterly worthless and simply incompetent. Captain had never been so disappointed in them ever before.

"I have had enough of your lame excuses and whining! Zee three of you are zee worst minions, I've ever had! You're insubordinate, lazy, and all you care about ees your own good! You brought shame on zee magnificent Capitania! You're boobish as russet potatoes!"

He took a deep breath before continuing: "Can't I leave you five minutes unsupervised? Do I have to find a babysitter for you maybe?"

The minions were standing there, now all of them staring at their boots. Of course, none of them dared to answer. But that was fine, since that was a rhetorical question – obviously the minions needed someone to watch over them, without that they were directionless like children lost in the woods. And Captain in his kindness had agreed to be their guiding light, but sometimes he was fed up with this.

"I gave you an order and I believe, I made myself crystal clear! Did you forget about your mission? Zee magical scepter ees not going to rescue itself!"

"I rescued your scepter Captain!" Pilot finally piped up and presented the baton, Captain had thought lost. "I pried it out of that unworthy stalker's hands for you!"

"Right," Engie muttered "Scepter, there was something about that," and with that the amber goggled minion pulled out another scepter from under his coat, "Here, made that for you, genuine gold and diamonds not like the other trash."

Captain blinked, the room was suddenly filling with crackling magical energy.

"Should have known, all my efforts were pointless as always," Snippy sighed.

The blue goggled minion was holding a third scepter in his hands.

By now the magical aura grew so strong that Captain could only watch the colorful energy circling in the air. The sight was simply dazzling. Captain felt how all his negative emotions were washed away. The combined power of the three wands was incredible!

"Guess, I risked my life all for naught again," the sniper continued completely oblivious to all the magic filling the room, "And I still have no idea how that three horned rhino that was chasing me got into the first floor of that damn casino. What exactly was it doing there?"

"Three horns? Probably rather a triceratops then, than a rhino," Engie commented rather absentmindedly, "What happened to it?"

"The staircase crashed under our weight and it was impaled by a support beam."

"Why couldn't that trinicorn have eaten you, you lame sneaker?" Pilot pouted since the other minions were stealing his triumph.

"Of course it wouldn't eat him! A triceratops is herbivorous. And before any of you morons asks: That means, it's only eating plants and fruits," Engie was obviously coming slowly back to his senses.

"Fruits? Are you joking? Where would it even find those?" Mr Snippy inquired, getting further and further off topic.

Pilot wasn't done with it, though. He declared: "Anyway, mine is the only true scepter! Captain, those stupid shoes brought you fakes!"

"Nonsense! I just said it! This one here is made from real gold! Yours' are the fake ones! Those are completely worthless rubbish!" Engie shot back.

"Wait a second!" Mr Snippy interrupted "I risked my life for that piece of completely worthless rubbish, as you called it!"

It looked like the minions were about ready to let the fists fly again. And was that a surprise? Captain finally understood why they had been acting so strangely upon his arrival.

"Enough meine minions! Give me those scepters! All three of zem! Their magic is far too strong for you, it is going to your heads! Zere is no need to fight about zee Captain! Zee Captain ees zere for all his minions!"

"What?" Mr Snippy's goggle caps rose up.

Nevertheless he handed over the wand without much hesitation. Pilot followed suit, as well as Engie, who muttered angrily: "There is no such thing as magic, Seven! Didn't you listen to what I just said? I made that damn scepter myself! I'm an engineer, not a sorcerer, so where is the magic supposed to come from?"

"Ahhh mein silly minion! Obviously you know nothing about magic," Captain chuckled, "All magic has eets source in love! And obviously all zee minions love their Captain!"

For some reason this announcement caused Mr Snippy to cough uncontrollably, while Engie protested: "For the last time, Seven! This scepter has absolutely nothing to do with magic or love!"

"Say, what exactly did you use for that gold coating, Gromov?" Snippy inquired, having recovered somewhat from that coughing fit earlier.

"Just a bunch of wedding rings. Why?" the engineer replied impatiently.

This caused Captain to witness a truly rare thing happening. Mr Snippy started laughing, he laughed so much that he almost choked under his gas mask.

"What?" Engie demanded to know.

As a response Pilot whispered something into Engie's ear, something that Captain did not quite catch. Whatever it was, it made the engineer jump and hide behind Mr Snippy, who kept laughing.

Since his minions acted so playful, Captain decided to let them be for now. After all, they had performed well today, fulfilling their mission with a result of 300%.

"Meine minions, you have zee Captain's permission to have some fun now," he announced.

He himself should be playing... No, not playing! Practicing – hat was the right word. He would be _practicing_ with his new scepters. The sooner the better!

"Remember to play nicely, your Captain will be busy," he added and with that he returned to his room, leaving the minions to their games.

* * *

The time had been flowing unusually fast that night, but that might be because Captain's army still had had lots of things to do. The celebration of the glorious Apocadance Day would take place exactly as Captain had planned. And thanks to his lovely little minions, the citizens of Capitania would be given the chance to admire not one, not two but three magical scepters. Wasn't that awesome? Of course, it was! But that also meant, after their break the minions had had to work even harder to get everything ready in time. Everything needed to be perfect: costumes, catering and transportation. The show would be ideal for sure, since Captain took care of it himself. All the other elements depended on the minions. However, Captain wasn't worried, because he had personally motivated the squad last night. His men had been working on their assignments until they had them done or fallen asleep trying. When the dawn had come, Captain was satisfied with the results of their all-nighter.

Mr Snippy was sleeping near the fireplace where he had been sitting for the past few hours, doing his job. Captain crouched over him watching him closely, as usual. While sleeping, the sniper was always much more agreeable and sociable than he normally was. Captain liked sharing fabulous stories with his contrastive minion at moments like these. Nevertheless the time had come and Snippy needed to be woken up.

As soon as Captain thought of that, he heard a loud noise coming from the other room. Something just fell to the floor and judging from all the noise it made, it wasn't a single thing but about a dozen of tools and parts. It sounded much like the shelf with Engie's mechanical toys had just collapsed. Captain didn't need to be there to know what had happened. Most evidently the engineer was not only a light sleeper, he also seemed to be much more effective as a fighter when not conscious enough to be his usual, cowardly self. Pilot had apparently not foreseen that, which was unacceptable as for a future ninja. That mistake got him kicked and slammed into the shelf that had flipped over shortly after. Now, both minions were shouting at each other and throwing some of those metal implements occasionally. Captain had to admit, that they made a nice alarm-clock together.

The sleepy sniper twitched and his blue eyes slowly opened. Captain greeted him with a smile.

"Good morning, mein adventurous minion."

"Ughh, morning..." he mumbled, "What's going on in there?"

The question was followed by the awful sound of a forcefully shut door.

"Engie and Pilot are having an argument because of artistic differences, don't mind zem."

"OK, but..." Mr Snippy hesitated with another question, "What are you wearing Captain? Wait a minute..." he paused as if he came to realize something extremely important, "What am _**I**_ wearing?"

"I'm glad, you asked," Captain said.

He was always happy to explain the details of his amazing ideas to not-so-brilliant minions: "Zis ees your official outfit for zee Apocadance Day. Eesn't eet simply classy?"

The sniper rose to his feet and looked down at himself.

"Classy? It's ridiculous! I'm not gonna wear this!"

Captain tilted his head to the side admiring his minion in the costume. Mr Snippy looked simply charming.

"I must say Pilot really outdid himself with zee costumes. You look tasty mein Sniper, not to say delicious."

"Oh, thank you! I guess that sums it up very well indeed! Now explain to me, why I'm looking like a god damn fruit platter!" Mr Snippy pointed accusingly at the plastic fruits hanging down from his body that made him look like a waterfall of bananas, apples and oranges.

"No, wait!" Snippy suddenly sounded suspicious "Has this anything to do with Gromov mentioning those mutated rhinos only eating plants? Damn it, Pilot!"

Mr Snippy was about to go looking for Pilot, probably to thank him for this toasty new camouflage, but that became redundant as the hammering on the slammed door stopped and the latter entered the room, reporting: "Captain! Engie refuses to come out of the bathroom and put on his costume!"

Before he could give his dutiful wardrobe supervisor any advice, Mr Snippy cut in again, pointing a finger at Pilot: "And why is it that _he_ gets a decent outfit?"

Captain turned his head to look at the green-goggled minion, even though he had already seen his costume earlier. Over his normal clothing Pilot was wearing a white gauze shirt. He had switched his leather jacket with an embellished velveteen vest. Apart from that, a red sash was wrapped around his waist and another one on his head gear, tied like a bandana. Captain nodded approvingly. The outfit was a neat piece of work but not an outstanding masterpiece as Captain's own splendid costume. Nevertheless, Snippy had nothing to be jealous about either. The fruit-camouflage wasn't inferior to any of the others, except from Captain's of course.

"Pilot ees a ninja in disguise. Zat ees why, he cleverly dressed up as a pirate. Eesn't eet obvious?"

"This way no shoe will ever recognize me, Captain!"

"Of course, zey won't. Just remember about zee _arrs_ and _yohohos!_"

"Aye aye, sir! Arr!"

"Zat's better. And now, let us see what's gotten into Engie."

With this Captain left the room and stepped up to the bathroom door. He knocked on it.

"Zee Apocadance Day ees about to begin minion! Gather your garbs and get out of zere! At once!" he demanded.

"NO! I'M NOT WEARING THAT REDICULOUS THING! EVEN IF I HAVE TO STAY THE WHOLE DAY IN HERE!"

That was rather rude, even for Engie. The furry-hooded minion might be the most trendy of them, but that didn't give him the right to criticize the work of others in such a mean manner. And what exactly was wrong with his pretty costume? Maybe it had not enough sequins for his liking?

"If Gromov isn't wearing his costume, I'm definitely not gonna wear mine either!" the sniper declared tucking on the straps holding his gorgeous pineapple-banana hat in place.

Hearing more words of criticism from yet another minion made Captain really irritated. Their insolent behavior was simply unthinkable and Captain was not one to tolerate something like that.

"INSUBORDINATION!"

"Get out of there you chubby slug! Or I'll break the door down!" Pilot threatened and turned to his commanding officer for confirmation, "Shall I get a battering ram, Captain?"

"Don't even think about breaking our bathroom door, Pilot!" Mr Snippy warned his fellow minion, apparently forgetting about the straps he was struggling with just moments ago, "It wont be necessary anyway. Gromov trying to stay in there for a whole day? Oh, please! He wouldn't even make it for another hour without breakfast! Speaking of breakfast I'm really hungry, so I'm gonna eat some now."

And with that he turned to leave for the kitchen.

"Hey, wait you treacherous slug! You're just trying to sneak away so you can take off your costume!" Pilot called after him but got no result, so he followed the sniper with the intention of dragging him back or at least keeping an eye on him.

Dealing with Mr Snippy was one thing. The snippish minion was always complaining somewhat about his missions but he was always doing them in the end. That was part of the game. Dealing with the engineer was something different altogether, as he was a rather sly fellow.

Captain sipped on his tea and stared at the closed door in front of him. A stray but familiar idea came to his mind.

_No go away!_

_You are a bad idea! _

_See what happened last time I listened to you! _

_You weren't even fun!_

_This time everything will be different? _

_Why should I believe you?_

_You've got cookies? _

_..._

_Count me in!_

"Then how about zis, Engie? If you win a game of cards against me, you don't have to wear zee costume today!" he suggested after deciding that this tasty idea deserved another chance, "Your fellow minions will play too of course."

"No!" the sharp answer came from the other side of the door, "That's just a trick of yours to make me wear that thing! I refuse playing that dumb game of cards with you, Seven! There is no way of winning against your luck!"

"I see, so even a genius scientist has his limitations, right Engie?"

An impish smile formed on Captain lips, hidden under the all-concealing gas mask.

"What? What is that supposed to mean? Are you implying that I'm just not smart enough to win against that dumb luck of yours?"

"Zee Captain ees implying nothing," he said nonchalantly and leaned on the door-frame running his finger over the grainy surface of the wood, "But I'm sure, Pilot and Snippy will understand if you're afraid to play..."

The key was turned in the lock, the door opened and Engie stared furiously at his commanding officer. The minion was really getting better at this, even though the effect was still far away from Captain's own death glare.

A few minutes later Captain was explaining the rules to all of his minions.

"Gentlemen! Tonight's game is poker."

"It's still morning, Captain," Snippy interrupted but he was hushed by Pilot at once.

"We'll play _Sevens to Aces_, 32 cards, in three battles one on one. Zee Captain will be your opponent. Zee game ends either once any of you minions defeats me, or all of you have lost a game. If Engie or Snippy win, they are allowed to wear their normal uniforms during the parade. If Pilot wins, everyone, including me will wear their costumes for another day. I hope you appreciate zis second chance your Captain ees offering you to prove yourselves, minions. Show me you can do eet!

Who wants to be zee first challenger?"

"ME! ME! PICK ME CAPTAIN!" Pilot was waving his hand around, excitedly.

The other minions seemed a little less enthusiastic.

"Well then, it is Pilot. Let zee games begin!"

Soon after, the two men sat at a small coffee-table in Captain's room. The other players had to wait their turn outside, to keep things fair. Captain was mixing the cards with the green goggled minion admiring every one of his movements. After that five cards were dealt to both of the players each.

Pilot hastily picked up his deck and studied it for a long time.

"Did you understand all of zee rules?" Captain inquired, when he finally grew impatient.

"Yes, sir!" Pilot confirmed, still staring at the cards in his hand.

"Do you want to exchange some cards for new ones?" Captain asked further.

"No, sir! My cards are all perfect!"

Perfect? Was it really possible that the minion had gotten four of a kind or maybe even a royal flush in the first hand just by pure luck? That sounded unbelievable but at the same time very interesting, not like playing that boring Old Maid from the day before. Pleased, Captain thought that at last he found something challenging. He made a quick decision.

_Then, there shall be no exchanging for me as well. Time to take some risk and see, who will be the lucky one here._

"Well well, then show them to your Captain!"

Pilot did as he was told.

Captain stared at the five cards spread out in front of him.

After another long pause he finally queried: "Pilot... You don't even have a matching pair of zem cards. How ees that supposed to be perfect?"

"Of course they are perfect, Captain! They have to be because _you_ gave them to me."

Captain sighed, he felt sort of strangely disappointed.

"They are not perfect enough to beat my full house though, Pilot. Send Engie in, he's my next opponent."

"Can I keep my cards, Captain?" the minion inquired hopefully.

Just a minute later the engineer was sitting opposite of Captain, after a very unhappy Pilot had left the room without his _perfect_ cards.

Engie's mood was probably the most difficult to read of all the minions. He watched without a motion how Captain dealt out the cards. He took them and cast a look at them, while Captain studied his.

"Just as I thought," he finally said, "My cards are absolute crap."

Captain looked up and met his gaze. What was the minion up to?

"I bet your cards are good, am I right?"

"Zey ain't bad," Captain admitted carefully, still not sure what the engineer was plotting.

"You know, Seven, I've been thinking... Do you really enjoy winning that easily?"

Captain didn't answer to that and just kept staring at the engineer.

"Because you see, this is going to be an easy win for you. No challenge for your famous luck at all," Engie continued, "There would be a way to add some spice to this game, though."

"Go on," Captain responded craving to hear more about this.

"We could for example exchange our cards," the minion explained and Captain had the feeling, that now it was the engineer who was secretly smiling behind his mask.

* * *

This chapter was planned and written by both of us.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned!


	5. When the chips are down

The real game was about to begin and this time the opponent seemed to be much more determined to win than the previous one. Engie was a witty minion and it looked like he had learned his lesson from yesterday. Winning against lame players indeed didn't satisfy a great gambler like zee Captain. So the idea of switching the cards actually sounded like quite fun. The little voice in Captain's head was telling him to try it.

"Of course, we don't have to do that in case you're afraid of losing," the engineer said pretending not to care even for a bit, "I guess, even the luckiest man in the world has his limitations."

Silly minion... Exchanging quite good cards like those Captain had in his hand was risky for sure but it did not necessarily mean losing. And were Engie's cards really that bad? After all poker was not only a game of luck, it was also the art of bluffing. Maybe the engineer had the hidden potential to become a talented gambler? Even if so, he apparently forgot that zee Captain too was an amazing actor.

Captain's cards weren't bad, but they weren't that good either. He had one pair of sevens and one pair of aces on his hand. Two pairs could easily be beaten, so why not giving them to Engie to see what would happen?

Suddenly the deceptive minion took a deep breath as if he wanted to be noticed.

"I'm sure, the others will understand when I explain to them that you prefer playing safely by the rules," he stated.

Hearing him talking like that made Captain irritated.

_Who do you think you are, you little_...

That was the moment Captain made his decision.

"Fine!"

He put his cards face down on the table, pushing them towards the engineer.

"But no whining and trading them back. If you take them you have to play with them."

_So what now Engie? Still daring enough to pull through with it?_

The engineer returned Captain's gaze, sudden doubt displaying in all of his posture. But he finally put down his own cards and pushed them to the middle of the table, picking up Captain's in return and beginning to study them.

Captain took the other five cards and cast a look at them.

The engineer hadn't lied. There wasn't even a single match. A seven, a king, a nine, a ten and a jack, what to do with those cards? Should he exchange four of them already and keep only that king of spades?

"I take one new card!" Engie interrupted his thoughts.

Obviously he had thrown off the one not matching card he was holding and took a new one from the deck.

"Zen I shall take only a single new card, too," Captain heard himself say.

And with that he discarded the king of spades.

"Just one? Are you serious, Seven? You know I had two pairs to begin with, right? And I just drew another ace, this is a full house! You can't have a royal flush with those cards you had. And exchanging a single card can't give you four of a kind either, nor another full house. Not that it would matter, because a full house with three aces is as good as they get. That means I win."

Captain calmly waited for the engineer to stop bragging and took the topmost card from the deck, turned it around and showed it to the snotty minion. It was the eight of hearts.

There was a frigid pause.

"Remember your job interview, Engie? In zee application you filled up, zere was a question about zee salsa. Well, I hope you were honest and you _are_ a better dancer zan a gambler."

The minion angrily threw his cards on the table and rose to his feet. His hands were clenched into fists and he was shaking slightly as if about to explode. Captain watched the show, expecting something to happen. He could see dark clouds forming a mini-thunderstorm above Engie's head. But the engineer just walked out of the room, stomping heavily and not saying a single word.

Before the next player passed through the bedroom's door, Captain thought to himself: _Looks like, there will be cookies for me after all_.

The sniper entered, looking over the shoulder after the enraged engineer, who was yanking the Apocadance costume from Pilot's hands and slamming the door to his room behind himself to get changed.

"What's up with him?" Mr Snippy inquired.

"Hmmm?" Captain absentmindedly looked up from the straight flush of hearts he was holding in his hands. "Engie just forgot again, zat some goals can be reached by zee less prominent options, too, sometimes," he answered cryptically. "But now sit down mein sniper, we don't have all zee day for zis."

The minion did as he was told. In the moment his goggle caps were in a straight line, he was neither upset nor sad nor happy. What was the sniper possibly thinking?

_Probably whether he has even a snowflake's chance in a tea-mug to win this game. _

Mr Snippy was the one minion, who had lost all the previous games of _Old Maid_ without fail, attracting the joker like a human magnet.

Well, at least he should be lucky in love. That old saying was most likely true. After all Snippy was incredibly popular among the female minions of the past, who were following Captain's adventures through time. Nevertheless that also meant that another boring game was lying right ahead. The problem was not alone that Captain doubted the sniper could win this game but that Mr Snippy didn't expect to win either. What could be done about that? No, it was no challenge to win against Snippy at all but maybe… maybe it would be a challenge to win against his unyielding bad luck?

"Shouldn't you be dealing me some cards or something?" the minion asked, and Captain snapped out of his pondering.

"Ja, let's begin with zee game! Just always remember zee less prominent options, mein sniper."

He took the deck and started shuffling. After a riffle shuffle the cards formed a cascade and that move was repeated few times in a row. Mr Snippy's eyes were focused on Captain. Waiting that long for the cards obviously made the blue-goggled minion impatient, but he didn't rush his commanding officer again.

Captain took his time with shuffling but when the cards finally got randomized, he quickly dealt them with a swift motion. His opponent hesitated with picking them up. Instead, he gave his leader a questioning look.

"What ees it, mein minion?" Captain asked teasingly. "We can play zee game of no-blinking zee other time, now eet's time for poker."

The snippy sniper slowly took his cards and after catching a glimpse of whatever he got there, he returned to watching Captain's hands closely.

"I will take four new cards," he declared and carefully drew them from what remained of the deck "and what about you?"

"Zee Captain doesn't need any other cards. I'm perfectly fine with those, zat I already have."

"That's interesting..." began the minion who became suspicious of the situation, "You want me to believe, that you got such a great hand? Or..." he paused, as if not sure how to put it.

"Or?" Captain inquired, trying not to sound too excited.

"Captain…" the minion tried and hesitated once more, not even looking into his new cards.

"Speak up Mr Snippy! Zee Captain wants to hear eet."

Mr Snippy sighed. He put his cards down and looked directly at Captain.

"We were playing Sevens to Aces, that means the deck is supposed to have exactly 32 cards. You dealt five to me and kept five to yourself, that means there should have still been 22 cards in that deck," he explained. "I discarded four and picked another four from the pile… I wasn't exactly sure until then but… there should be 18 cards left, but it is only 13. Where are the other five?"

"Are you trying to say zat zee Captain ees cheating?"

Somehow the minion managed not to flinch under his commander's glare.

"Yes! That is exactly what I'm saying!" Mr Snippy finally blurted out.

"Do you know what zat means?" Captain inquired still locking gaze with the sniper.

"You're gonna flip the table now and throw tea at me?"

"No, eet means: You win!"

"Look Captain, I'm sorry and… wait…what?"

"I said, you win Mr Snippy."

Captain leaned back in his chair pulling the missing cards out of their hiding place in his sleeve.

"Just like that?" the sniper sounded utterly surprised. "Why the hell were you even cheating? You could have won easily without it!"

To prove what he just said, the victorious minion reached his hand out for Captain's cards. He turned all ten of them face up – it was basically just aces and kings with two stray queens in the mix. Then he showed his own. There was not even a single pair in Snippy's hand.

Captain shook his head in disapproval. His sniper didn't get what he was trying to teach him.

"Remember what I said about zee less prominent ways of winning?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with cheating?"

It looked like the silly little minion indeed didn't get anything at all. But that was OK. Captain smiled to himself satisfied. In the end the real victory was his, and Mr Snippy didn't need to know that.

"Anyway, you're allowed to wear your casual clothes during zee Apocadance Day," he affirmed as he stood up from his chair and got closer to the door, "Now, hurry up if you still want to change! Your Captain won't be waiting for latecomers."

And with that he left to call the other minions, it was high time for the parade.

* * *

The Dead City awaits, frozen in the dim light that barely even gives any warmth to that icy desert. The overwhelming silence of the wasteland doesn't foretell what is about to happen. However, those who had been the citizens once but were reduced to mere skeletons – they seem to know that something is coming. And they are right in a way.

The faint sound of music starts to play from nearby. One could wonder: What is the source of that sound? Who would possibly try to bring some life to those sad remains of the once proud metropolis? Only a madman would be willing to waste that much time to make such a pointless effort.

Who are those fools that keep toiling their life away with silly games and antics? Well, they are no others but our brave survivors, the heroes of this story.

To their puzzlement, the one that they call Zee Captain points his scepter somewhere into the air and shouts: "Eet's you again? I told you to stop eet! Stop narrating my life!"

Nothing could be seen there or heard for that matter, nevertheless their commander seems to be expecting some answer.

As no reply whatsoever comes, the Captain continues with what he was doing right before.

He juggles with three golden scepters because this whole event seems to be a parade, if only a single cart pulled by two minions can be counted as such.

"If you really have to narrate, at least make eet less boring!"

The Captain keeps on his impressive act of juggling as he is proudly standing on the cart. He wears a fabulous costume and is enjoying yet another holiday to his honor. Briefly he wonders, whether any citizen of Captania can _not _be happy on such a splendid day as this.

"What are you talking about? Of course everybody ees having fun!"

But there are indeed those who ain't happy:

The engineer is still sulking not only because he lost a game, but because the sniper couldn't stop laughing about his costume. That outfit is basically a canary yellow dress with several huge feathers. The fact that he has to dance salsa on the cart and throw stones wrapped in candy paper to the crowd isn't improving Engie's mood either. Besides he can't stop casting nervous glances at the huge worm mutant, that is eying him hungrily and following them. He's consoling himself with the thought, that at least he doesn't have to pull the cart.

Mr Snippy who has to pull the cart alongside of Pilot is glad that he doesn't have to run around disguised as monster-bait anymore. Yet he is frustrated, because both of his fellow minions have accused him of cheating during the card game. Of course Captain has done nothing to clear this misunderstanding up. Aside from the total unfairness of this situation, there are the pilot's death threats to be worried about.

And Pilot indeed is angry. Not only because his Captain won't be wearing his pretty costume tomorrow anymore but also because the chance of getting Mr Snippy eaten by a monstrous trinicorn has become really low since the smelly shoe (as the aviator likes to call his most hated crew-mate) is no longer dressed up as a fruits' fountain. On top of that, Pilot feels jealous of Engie, who can stand on the cart right next to Captain and dance. The only thought that gives him comfort in this misery is, that with a bit of luck the lazy slug will fall down from there. And if he does, that Photoshop will hopefully eat him.

But Photoshop the worm-monster is disappointed too, since that huge, succulent yellow chicken hasn't fallen from the cart, yet. However the mutant is not ready to give up on a promising meal that easily.

"Zat's eet! You didn't pay enough for your seat to make snide remarks about zee performance! One more word of complaint and you shall feel zee devastating magic power of zee scepters!"

Well... There actually _is_ someone who enjoys the parade a lot:

Stalky is moving through the cheering skeletons like a fish through a coral reef, trying to snatch any single piece of the stone-candy from the air or the ground.

Originally he planned to win the scepter back but by now he has completely changed his mind. Without the scepter, which seems to have miraculously multiplied since he last saw it, the parade would be canceled. And Stalky isn't willing to miss even a second of this awesome party for his life.

In Stalky's opinion Captain looks just stunning in that blue frock coat and the red cape. And the blue pirate hat is a dashing addition to the costume.

He could just watch Captain and this show forever and ever. But it seems, he just comes up with some brilliant, new idea. What will that be? Is he going to make his beloved Captain even more excited?

"Hold eet right zere!"

It looks like the Captain is talking aloud to himself again.

"I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to YOU! Don't act like you can't hear me, you annoying babbler! And don't you dare to tell me about Stalky's surprise! You know, how much I hate spoilers!"

After uttering those words, the Captain takes one of his batons in his hand and waves it like a magic wand.

"You are no longer needed, mein narrative friend. From now on, Zee Captain will do zee talking."

* * *

Finally that matter was settled, Captain nodded contentedly to himself as the narrator decided to take the rest of the day off. The parade was going perfectly and Captain bathed in the cheers of the skeleton crowd that was gathered by the roadside. The tune of the music switched, Captain knew that one, if he remembered it right, it had sugar and fairies in the title. For some reason it caused the engineer to interrupt his efforts to entertain the crowd, though.

"Why did you stop zee salsa Engie? Continue! No slacking off!"

"And how am I supposed to dance salsa to Tchaikovsky, oh genius leader?"

"You put zee song in zee music machine, Engie, so you better have a plan for zat."

"Speaking about planning," the sniper cut in "why exactly can't Photoshop pull that damn cart?"

"Don't question Captain's decisions you shoe! Of course Photoshop is far too… too… she is not used to do any hard work."

"Exactly!" Captain added, hearing the conversation between his two minions, "Zee lady shall never pull a heavy cart like zis. Pilot is giving you a good example, so try to act like a gentleman too, Mr Snippy."

As soon as the remark was made, something unexpected happened. Captain noticed a small, black unidentified object flying in his direction from the cheering crowd. The thing landed on the platform, right in front of him. Quite surprised, the commander bent over to inspect the gift from his bony worshipers. As he picked it up, he at once realized what it was and that realization didn't make him very comfortable. Apparently not only his minions were lacking manners sometimes, his fans weren't any better. Throwing underwear at the glorious leader was not a custom of Apocadance Day, even though the big red heart on the black cloth was a nice patriotic accent.

_And that is supposed to be Stalky's brilliant idea?_ Captain asked himself still holding the pants in his gloved hands.

This unusual sight made the minions stop the cart for a moment.

"What is that, Captain?" Pilot asked nervously, "Did we get attacked? Is it an attempt of sabotage?"

"Nein, mein minion. Eet ees only zat stalky stalker again."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous! There is no stalker!" the engineer cut in, but Captain didn't want to listen to his incoming ranting.

"I will catch the criminal this time!" the green-goggled minion promised. "Shall I give chase right away, sir?"

"Zat wont be necessary, Pilot. Today ees zee Apocadance Day so zis one time Mr Stalky gets an amnesty," Captain declared. On special days like this a great ruler had to impress the citizens with his benevolence. And Captain was the greatest of them all. His thoughts of self-approval were interrupted by Pilot, who gave him a puzzled look: "Shall I fetch him then so you can give him that nice tea?"

"No you moron, an amnesty means..." Engie started for a long and boring explanation. But Captain just cut him off: "An amnes tea can and will be served cold. For now we have zee parade to take care of, so meine minions zee show must go on!"

And with that, the platform moved onward again.

Soon they reached their destination, a huge plaza at the end of the street.

"Zee Apocadance Day parade comes to an end!" Captain announced loudly and solemnly.

"Finally!" Mr Snippy muttered but nevertheless his commanding officer managed to catch that.

"Indeed, mein sniper! Zat means eet ees finally time for zee fireworks!"

"Wait what?" Snippy's goggle caps moved upward. Captain smiled behind his mask, it was good to have the minion's full attention.

"We had explosives in the base, and you didn't warn me?" Engie who had climbed off the cart inquired.

"I don't think we had any. I have no idea what they used for that," Snippy replied with a bit of anxiety in his voice."

"Don't fear meine minions! Thanks to Pilot who built zee tiny rockets we still can have zee fireworks."

"But how will those rockets fly?" Engie prompted.

"Ah, zat ees thanks to zee gunpowder from Mr Snippy's ammo of course," and with that Captain lit up a fuse.

"Bwah?!"

The rockets started to spark and gave off thick, black smoke. They took off and were lifted into the air but after reaching a height of about half a meter they fell down again. Instead of flying they sled over the icy street and sidewalks. In the end two of them hit wrecked cars and the last one shot through the broken door of one of those formerly fancy restaurants lining the plaza. Captain watched expectantly but nothing else happened.

He was feeling the disappointment building up.

The very next moment the walls of the restaurant were shaken by an explosion. A giant fireball rolled out of the door. The restaurant began to collapse slowly, the whole building being set on fire within seconds. The two wrecked cars were also brightly burning by now. The two following explosions just added more flames in different colors to those shooting out of the ruined restaurant's windows and making the view simply breathtaking.

It took Captain a moment to notice that only Pilot was still standing next to him. But of course his other minions couldn't hide from their commander's trained eye. For some strange reason Snippy and Engie had decided to enjoy the fireworks from down under the cart.

"You'll miss zee whole show," Captain reminded them helpfully.

He got a tirade of funny words from them in response to that. It was nice to know, that the two of them became so agreeable. It looked like the amazing holidays of Captania helped everyone to get along with each other.

As Engie and Snippy continued their spontaneous, collaborative speech, Photoshop moved closer to Pilot and Captain. The pet-worm most likely became more sociable too. Seeing her approaching, Pilot patted her friendly. She seemed pleased and kept happily chewing on a bunch of yellow feathers that must have fallen off of the engineer's costume at some point. And as far as Captain could see, the aviator was all happy and glee. Pilot's firework mission turned out to be a huge success, so he could be proud of himself by now. But the glory of the Apocadance Day didn't end up with only the merry minions – Captain was more than certain, that Stalky enjoyed the fireworks from somewhere in the crowd, too. Surely the sheer beauty of the flames would move his little, pinkish heart.

Even that Narrator had a good time apparently since he didn't have to comment on the events but still could observe them. And all the citizens got delicious candies. This year's celebration had been really awesome!

"Happy Apocadance Day!" said the Captain contented as ever.

Once again the sexy ruler of Captania had done a great job.

* * *

After the cold and merciless post-apocalyptic night the new day is born, even more chilly than the previous one. The sun rises to shine its faint light through the thick, radioactive clouds looming over the ruined city. It shines upon the dead and the living, the mutants as well as the humans. And it shines upon the still smoldering car-wrecks and the debris of a blown up restaurant. What happened here? Another pointless conflict? One more great tragedy in a cold and unforgiving world? No, not this time. It's only the one called the Captain, who has thrown a party here the other day. One may wonder, who is going to clean up this awful mess? Well certainly not our brave heroes, because the Captain already has a new important mission for his faithful minions to accomplish.

"You want us to do what?! Mr Snippy asks, disbelieving what he just heard.

"I want you to march through zee most distant outskirts of zee city, cross zee Frozen Sea, challenge zee depths of zee Forgotten Forest and climb zee majestic Snowy Mountains to reach zee lands far beyond," his helpful Captain repeats.

"And for what reason would we do something that stupid exactly?"

"To throw zee three golden scepters into zee ever burning fires of Mount Doom! Zey need to be destroyed for good!"

Of course that kind of explanation doesn't satisfy the sniper.

"We risked out lives to obtain them for you!"

"Yes, but zeir magic ees just too dangerous for zis world. You don't want zee world to end, do you?"

And thus after arguing and pleading and the usual threats of scorching hot beverages, the minions begin their epic journey. One of them full of joy, the other two with the newly won wisdom, that they probably should burn a certain bookshelf before their magnificent leader has the time to read more fantasy novels.

The new adventure just begins, but the three minions should already be careful. They don't know it yet, but they are being followed. Deep in the shadows their old enemy hides, waiting for the right moment to strike. Now that the parade is long over, the scepters are fair game again and the stalker wants them all to himself. And this time, he is not going to lose.

* * *

**- Zee End -**

* * *

So, this is how the story ends. We hope, you enjoyed it as much as we have enjoyed planning and working on it.

Thank you for reading, commenting and fav'ing!

Special thanks go to: e_ight-Of-heart_s, _Zerrnichter_ and _Zaci_ for all their kindness and help they offered.

Thanks and Happy Apocadance Day!


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